Tick Fucking Tock

So its my birthday tomorrow, oh the joy… on lockdown during Covid-19 while (still) single and racking up another year in the 40 club! This lockdown is an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs. One minute i’m feeling pretty positive and chirpy about the two conversations I’ve got going on with guys on text and video calls, in between the zoom calls and working from home, then in a blink I move to utter despair upon hearing some more bad news about someone’s relative or friend who is suffering or has passed away. How can the two even be mentioned in the same sentence? This is the reality of Corona time.

I do try and remain positive and keep up hope about meeting someone to end my singledom, even the start of 2020 I was positive that it can all still happen. This lockdown has got me questioning my positivity, my hopes, my drive to meet someone who I can finally settle down with and create a home and family. Cue my 42nd birthday. Another year single, another year of hoping and being positive. Maybe it just won’t happen and I need to be honest with myself and ask the question should I continue to wait to meet someone or do I just go ahead and start a family without a man in my life. Long evenings and sleepless nights have led to great google research into the topic. Sperm doners, Co-parenting, IVF, adoption, yep all of it. Articles written by women who made the choice and just went for it, sending a warning to women like me, not to wait. The statistics of being able to even conceive after 40 let alone 42 are dwindling year by year, month by month I feel like. I feel like everytime I get my period is another month my body is saying tick fucking tock…

The ‘choice’ to go do it alone feels less like an option but more like giving up on one of the biggest hopes and dreams a girl like me has had from being a teenager. Yes I’ve achieved so much in life, I had many plans, I still have plans. But this plan, the one where I meet a man who I love and who loves me back. The one where I get married, move into a nice house and raise a couple kids, has yet to materialise. I’ve always wanted kids, maybe not so much when I was in my 20’s, because then I thought I had all the time in the world to meet the right man. Then came my 30s and I had a series of disappointing relationships, where my heart was broken and life threw some major curve balls where I went though major grief which took time to physically and mentally recover. Roll on 40, this has been the hardest few years of dating yet. I can (and do) manifest all the good things still. I do still want to meet someone. I do believe it is still possible, but will my ovaries wait? Nature effectively is giving me an ultimatum: How will you feel if you wait and your 50s come and it still has not happened? I could then be 50, single, with no family of my own. How would I feel about that? I am not judging anyone else btw, this is a seriously deep introspective situation.

One thing that is certain right now, is that on lockdown, I can’t do anything about it, but remain positive. Remain focused on my goals and manifest the hell out of meeting the man of my dreams and falling epically in love and having the best sex of my life, while getting pregnant all before the end of this crazy year of 2020.

Cheers all, here’s to hope!

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