Speed Dating Disaster

As we are on lockdown I thought i’d start to write about some of my dating chronicles… Have you ever tried speed dating? A question one is often asked when lamenting about the online dating scene in London. Well just before Christmas 2019 I decided that in the spirit of the festive season my single friend and I would go out out and find date at the London Speed Dater (35-45) Christmas party. Central London location, by the river – with spectacular views, equal numbers of men and women, dress to impress… well this set the scene for a great night out which we were excited to get all dolled up for. We put on our glad rags and hit the town all dressed up and looking damn fine – if I do say so myself!

On arrival (we were super excited having started the evening with some prosecco in the flat) we looked around the bar and immediately looked at one another as if to say ‘shall we leave now?’. No, no lets give it a chance. Let me set the scene.

A brightly lit bar with a mixture of middle aged women who for the most part looked great, nice dresses and efforts made all round combined with strange mix of men in bad shirts, and other weird looking facial features. Shit I’ve just realised I said middle aged women… is that what I am now? Post 40… am I in this group? Fucking hell I swear even though they were all looking very nice (the women) I don’t feel like either of us fit into that group. Anyway I digress… the men. Oh lawd sweet Jesus please save me. I scanned the room and could not see anyone I would even bat an eyelid at, what a weird melange. But again we had decided to stick with it and give the night a go as the saying goes… you never know.

Convo no 1 – Tall white guy, bald, black shirt, black trousers, Lorry Driver. He was actually quite sweet and friendly. A good conversationalist who bless him was really going for it in terms of making conversation and being polite and friendly. But shucks ‘Barry’ this will never happen so thanks and next.

The speed dating session begins.

Speed dater 1 – Sits down and and starts to kind of shake his shoulders like a bit of wide boy getting his bravado up… ‘tell you what, give me your card now and i’ll just write down my number’. ‘Oh, really’ – I say slightly amused at this dude with spiky black hair and buck gap teeth. ‘Yeah lets not mess about, you can just call me later and we can do this’ Wow, the confidence is real. I just kinda smiled and humoured him as I’m not about to be rude to anyone tonight. He then said he liked my gap teeth and said his were not natural. He then told me ‘yeah got them knocked out and these are fake teeth but I asked the dentist to give me a gap cos its sexy init’.

Speed dater 2 – Short, round face, big smile, bald with some kind of thick eastern European accent. We actually had a nice chat – I recommended a good spot to get a curry in Whitechapel and ding ding time to move on.

Speed dater 3 – This guy looked like a hot mess, something not quite right. He was really tall, black guy with a huge belly and an oversized shirt hanging over it, I swear he had a bit of dribble down the side of his mouth. Looked a bit like the character in the Green Mile and spoke real slow. He sat down and proceeded to write my name down on his card, looking at my name badge and writing each letter down one at a time looking back and forth at my badge, this took way too long if you know what I mean. He then got up and said oh i’ve forgotten to write down the first ladies name. He then disrupted the previous lady to read her name tag letter by letter and at back down to talk to me. Ding ding – thank God, next.

Then there was anorak man, short Asian dude who kept his jacket on and was handing out sausage rolls from a giant value sized Tesco packet. ‘Oh I find its a good opener’ – errm no thanks. All I could think of is how many people were putting their hands into the value pack and just no.. no.. no I don’t want a sausage roll. Ding ding, next.

The next dude was actually not bad looking, but wow so short and small. He was tiny in fact. I just can’t even entertain it. But he did seem like a nice guy and for the right woman he’ll be just fine. But for me, ding ding next.

The final guy was a black guy with bold character and a shiny face and a gold tooth. He was a right geezer and seemed to think that he was ‘in’. I mean tbh – he was the most normal of the lot but… ding ding oh thank goodness that is over!

My friend and I stood outside the dating room and were discussing the men we’d just ‘met’ and gold tooth geezer came over to chat. ‘Oh man, you know what we’ve got a problem here… I put both your names down!’ We just looked at each other and my friend laughed and said ‘no chance mate!’ At this point I said come on girl we’ve got to get outta here!

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